Depression Ruined My Relationships, made me hate myself and left me broken. 'I wish I'd talked sooner'

By Simon Binns for the Manchester Evening News

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To most people who know me - and plenty more who think they do - I’m a confident, outgoing, reasonably well-adjusted individual.

I’ve got a pretty good job, a strong network of friends, a stable relationship, three beautiful kids.

Life is good, and I’ve got lots of reasons to be happy.

And I am, most of the time.

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But I can also be distant, difficult, moody, snappy, frustrating.

I’ve suffered from anxiety, depression and chronic shyness for almost 25 years. It’s taken that long to stop trying to ignore it, hide it or let it dominate my life.

In that time, it’s left friendships and relationships in its wake. It’s made me not want to leave the house. It’s made me ill. It’s got me into debt. It’s made me hate myself. It’s made me wonder what things would be like if I just wasn’t here any more.

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My self-esteem has been on the floor, so I chose to mask it with overconfidence.

It’s led to one large nervous breakdown, one smaller one, medication, and bouts of explosive frustration that would leave me in flood of tears, on my own, not sure what to do next or who to turn to.

I’ve alienated people, let them down, hurt them. I’ve done bad things to good people and I’ve pushed them away because I didn’t want them to know what was really going on.

Those words are hard to write, but they’re even harder to admit to yourself in the first place.

And the real tragedy is that it could have been so easily avoided - had I just talked about it sooner.

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Here’s a thing you should probably know.

People with mental health problems are able to take on and accomplish huge things. They can be outwardly successful and capable.

But sometimes, the smallest of tasks - especially the ones that relate to your own life and wellbeing - can feel massive. Overwhelming. Seismic. Terrifying.

Open that letter with your name on it that you think is a bill? No way. Ignore it. It will go away.

It doesn’t go away.

"The awful reality is that the leap from struggling to suicide is frighteningly short."

I found growing up really tough.

As a kid - an only child - our house was stressful. Traumatic at times.

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I found my teenage years incredibly difficult. Nervous of what other people thought of me. Desperate to fit in. I couldn't wait to leave the town I grew up in. Leave all of that anxiety behind and start again. A new life in Manchester, studying my degree. I felt free.

My parents eventually divorced when I was 25. You think it will affect you less as an adult rather than a kid, but when I look back, it definitely left a mark.

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It’s nobody’s fault. Things happen. Some people are better equipped to deal with it. I wasn’t.

I was living in London at the time - a city where it's incredibly easy to feel isolated, despite the 11.5m people living there. I felt remote from what was going on, but the stress of it came to find me plenty of times. The relationship with my Dad broke down because of it. We haven't spoken since.

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As a younger man, I found it easier to throw myself into other stuff. Work. The pub. Whatever.

Pretend to be confident. Then people think you are.

Which is fine most of the time, but if you’re having an off day and you just want to disengage, and can’t cope, being in large groups of people or social situations is a living nightmare.

You just feel...numb. Physically present, but mentally gone. My whole demeanour would change. I'd be short. Argumentative. Deliberately horrible.

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You don't deserve this. You'll get found out soon. Hit the self destruct button before somebody else does it for you.

It’s tough for the people around you too. I knew that. I knew it was a strain. And that makes you feel guilty. And frustrated.

Male suicide is the biggest single killer of men in the UK under the age of 45.

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It is a subject Coronation Street chose to tackle earlier this month, as Shayne Ward’s character - Aidan Connor - took his own life, in scenes that left viewers stunned.

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I’m writing this on the day that Scott Hutchison - the lead singer of Frightened Rabbit - was found dead after his own battle with mental health problems ended in the most tragic of ways.

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The awful reality is that the leap from struggling to suicide is frighteningly short.

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As a society, we put ourselves under more pressure now than ever before.

 

Work harder. Do more. Be on your phone. Be on email. Check social media. Don’t switch off. Spin more plates.

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It inevitably takes its toll.

 

Last year, I took a couple of weeks off after what is best called a wobble.

 

It had been building for months. I had the benefit of having been through it before, so I knew what was coming.

It helped me avoid what I can only describe as the total meltdown that hit me years previously.

 

I was prescribed citalopram, and was told to rest. For the first few days, I couldn’t get out of bed before midday. I was totally drained.

Coronation Street has won high praise for its Aidan Connor suicide storyline (Image: Coronation Street/ITV)

 

Mental health stresses can be physically debilitating too.

 

When I got back to work, I told a couple of people on my team why I’d been off. One said they felt guilty that they didn’t see it coming.

 

Another thought I was just off with the kids because I was still on social media as normal.

 

But how would they know? I suppose I still carry an element of keeping up appearances.

 

I came off the medication about a month ago. It put a stone and a half on me, and that was starting to get me down. The medication helped, in some ways. But I found it dulled everything. Too much.

 

I decided I wanted to tackle it through lifestyle changes.

 

Instead, I’ve cut down on booze and started exercising. It’s definitely helping.

 

I’ve reconnected with long lost members of my family. Bizarrely, they’d been going through similar issues. Coming together again has helped us make sense of it a bit, I hope.

 

The key thing was getting help. Not being scared to talk about it. Be honest with yourself about it. Be honest with the people around you.

If you hurt yourself physically, you get it looked at. Why would you not get help if your brain was feeling a bit broken?

 

"Mental health problems are robbing families of fathers, brothers and sons."

 

Lots of people feel the strain, but there’s still an odd reticence among men to admit that they’re struggling.

 

It’s not a weakness. Life is tough.

 

I used to find one small thing made a huge difference. When someone asked you how you were, and actually meant it.

When they were really, genuinely interested. When they were prepared to hear that you weren’t, actually.

 

Life is full of turning points. I remember one of mine.

 

It was a year or so after the breakdown of my long-term relationship with the mother of my two eldest kids. It was my birthday.

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I’d been round to my old house to collect my present, then took myself back to the flat that I lived in on my own.

 

About thirty seconds after I walked in, the electricity ran out. I’d run out of credit.

 

I was sitting on my own, in the dark, with a bottle of whisky, after leaving my kids behind in the house I watched them grow up in.

 

How tragic is that?

 

I phoned one of my close friends, Ed, on the way to the shop to buy some credit. To laugh about it, rather than cry.

 

If I could see the funny side of that, I thought, then maybe I was a bit stronger than I thought.

 

A few months later, my two friends told me they were impressed with how I’d coped. One of them had me as a non-paying tenant in his basement in the weeks after the split, when I felt lost.

 

“We thought you’d have drunk yourself to death to be honest,” he said.

“You’ve actually done quite well.”

I get that, for lots of people, admitting you have a problem is a big deal, but for me, it wasn’t half as daunting as I thought it was going to be.

I just got too tired of trying to hide it.

 

Monday marks the start of Mental Health Awareness week. We’re getting better at talking about it, but there’s still work to be done.

Mental health problems are robbing families of fathers, brothers and sons.

 

I’ve accepted that my own struggles will probably never go away forever, but I know how to manage them and I recognise the triggers.

 

Four years ago, I met my current partner. We have a fantastic two year old daughter. We get married next September. So many things to look forward to. So much to enjoy. Lots of plans to make.

 

But I’ll need support. Everyone does. And why is that so shameful?

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Where to get help.

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PH7- Wellbeing Centre - Rebecca's chosen charity of The LIFE Expo. A wellbeing centre with private mental health support services, and a charity offering courses for depression and anxiety.

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Samaritans (116 123) samaritans.org operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you’re feeling, or if you’re worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org , write to Freepost RSRB-KKBY-CYJK, PO Box 9090, STIRLING, FK8 2SA and visit www.samaritans.org/branches to find your nearest branch.

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CALM (0800 58 58 58) thecalmzone.net has a helpline is for men who are down or have hit a wall for any reason, who need to talk or find information and support. They're open 5pm to midnight, 365 days a year.

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Childline (0800 1111 ) runs a helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number won’t show up on your phone bill.

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PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) is a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.

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Depression Alliance is a charity for people with depression. It doesn’t have a helpline, but offers a wide range of useful resources and links to other relevant information depressionalliance.org

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Students Against Depression is a website for students who are depressed, have a low mood or are having suicidal thoughts. Bullying UK is a website for both children and adults affected by bullying studentsagainstdepression.org

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The Sanctuary (0300 003 7029 ) helps people who are struggling to cope - experiencing depression, anxiety, panic attacks or in crisis. You can call them between 8pm and 6am every night.There are other depression charities.